I hate running.
There. I said it.
On December 2019 I received news that my step dad’s cancer had returned. We had no firm diagnosis at this point but with my mum not being very well at present either, I knew one thing; I couldn’t possibly go to the Alps this winter.
I have been going to my second home, Châtel in Haute Savoie for nine years now and was very much looking forward to passing the inevitably dreadful UK winter hanging out with friends and playing in the snow.
A few days after we received this news, mum wasn’t taking it well. She has become rather unstable of late and the thought of leaving her to help Roger through the early stages of chemotherapy whilst I galavanted around the French Alps, wasn’t sitting well with me.
I made the decision there and then to move in to my old bedroom and keep an eye on them both.
A few days later I tag-teamed a temporary tenant for my flat in Brighton and moved my gear into the garage at mum’s. My Superman duvet was dragged out of the airing cupboard, popped on the bed and it was like old times.
It was only during the festive season that I decided I’d need a goal to, not only get me through the impending British winter but living with my parents again aged 46.
I was dining with my good friend Ben when he mentioned he was running the Brighton Half Marathon on 23rd February. “Perfect.” I said, with instant regret.
I have never liked running. I generally detest every step. Never known why. Back in my youth I could run all day chasing a football around a pitch but since then I have chosen golf and dog walking as pastimes and only the occasional bike ride raises the old heart rate.
Every now and then I’ll grab the mutt and run around the park but I’d only ever do 5kms and generally counted down the inches until the 5k bell went on my phone’s app. Some weekends I’ll do a 5k Park Run but I rarely enjoy it. Running, you’ll have ascertained, has never really been my thing.
A couple of years ago I glimpsed at some photos of me on the beach and decided I needed some exercise that didn’t involve walking to the pub. I made a pact with myself that I’d run 5k every day in August.
August. Hottest month of the year. What an idiot.
I managed 20 runs in 20days and was quite proud of that but I had two runs on the trot on days 21 and 22 where I suddenly had concrete boots on. I had nothing in the tank at all. Legs didn’t want to move an inch. I called up a very fit, triathlete friend of mine who explained that it happened to the best of them but that still didn’t appease a massive failure in my eyes.
Since then I haven’t done much running.
The 2019 festive period came and went and then an email hit my inbox reminding me that the Brighton Half Marathon was eight weeks away. The furthest I’d ever run was 10kms. I was expected to exceed 21 in two months' time.
January is a dreadful month in the UK and one of the reasons I have spent the last decade in the French mountains. I had to keep busy and focused or I’d inevitably find an excuse not to do the run or feign injury through a poor training regime. I had a decent incentive to encourage me though; I had the choice between supping sherry with the folks whilst they watched The Last of the Summer Wine or get running.
I chose option b.
Not one for taking things too leisurely, I began hard with a 10km run down the river from Weybridge. It went ok. Banged it out in under an hour which, bearing in mind the UK has undergone a monsoon since about October making the towpath a hazardous bog at best, was a pretty tidy time.
I washed this one down with a couple of 5k trots both of which sparked up a recurring calf injury which comes on abruptly and forces me to pull up immediately. It’s a sharp, acute pain and is usually the result of a poor warm up, or so I’m told.
My good friend, seasoned athlete and master physiotherapist, Ben insisted I hadn’t taken into consideration the inclement winter temperatures, and he’d be right. I haven’t ever really stretched before a run as I like to walk for a kilometre or so before setting off on a trot. He also ran a theory past me once that if you leave a piece of steak hanging on a hook in the garage for three months, the fibres rarely stretch a millimetre, so what will yanking your heel up to your backside for ten seconds achieve? A fair point from a man with a lot of muscular knowledge.
Ben also suggested, rather hypocritically it seemed, that I warm up throughout the day by doing calf raises and stretching the affected calf - and all the leg muscles really - before I embarked on any length run. This seemed to make sense to me. So I did.
After a day’s rest and lots of stretching, I set myself a distance target and stuck to it. I set my target to 12.5kms which was to run as far as I’d ever run before. A bit like Sam in Lord Of The Rings when he passes the point from his house that he’s never been past. Off I went down the tow path once more at a leisurely pace to protect the calf.
I hit the 6.25km mark and swung around on my heels. Trotting back I felt fine. My Map My Ride App was enlightening me to my pace every kilometre and I was plodding along at a hardly blistering 5.40minutes per kilometre but exactly the time I would need to finish the half marathon in two hours. All good.
It was only when a rather attractive girl in her 20s with a blonde pony tail dancing from side to side effortlessly sauntered past me with two clicks to go, that my pathetic male ego decided to prove its worth. I stepped up a gear and within metres blew my calf muscle before the lucky girl saw a bald, middle aged man dragging his left leg behind him, like Keyser Söze.
Back to square one then.
I gave it more than a week to heal, combined with lot of calf raises and stretching in which time I thought it wise to join the nearest gym to the folk’s pad. Bannatyne’s is a rather lavish health club on the plains of lower Weybridge and was offering a discounted month by month membership.
It was another way to avoid swinging by the Old Crown on the way back from my evening dog walk and yet another way to avoid sitting in the lounge whilst the fire is on full whack and the boiler doing its best to keep the room at the seemingly necessary 40+ degrees my mother insists is still too chilly, whilst shivering under a 70 TOG duvet.
I began hitting the treadmill again doing what my girlfriend Lisa refers to as the “Brownlee Shuffle”. The Brownlee brothers are arguably the world’s greatest triathletes and apparently it is well observed that they tend to ‘shuffle’ during their torturous final leg marathons rather than run, such as Kipchoge.
This shuffle enabled me to get a few more 5kms runs on the chart but running on a treadmill regardless of how many videos, podcasts or radio shows keep you company still isn’t as interesting as plodding along the ever changing view of a tow path. Thankfully the 20m pool, sauna, steam and jacuzzi afterwards make up for the tedium.
By the end of January I’d amassed a decent Map My Ride total of 70kms running and 100kms walking the dog - no wonder he sleeps well. The calf was tender but manageable.
I felt good. I’d lost a few pounds and with three weeks to go knew I’d make the distance on the day itself. I was almost beginning to enjoy running which was a rare feeling. There have been possibly two occasions during my running ‘career’ when I have thought to myself, “This is fun…” Every other time has been tedious at best.
Having set the target distance and chosen a particularly good podcast to listen to, I squeezed a 15km run in. I ran from Weybridge to Hampton Court Bridge and back and, bar a wobble at the 12-14km mark, I actually quite enjoyed it.
It opened my mind up to keeping myself entertained aurally. Up until this point I had been listening to the radio or a Spotify playlist. I have even tried to run to a specific beats per minute playlist. It works. It really does. A particular tune that is bang on my rhythm is ZZ Top’s Sinpusher. Spot on it is. Sadly, playing that for an hour and a half wasn’t going to cut it. I need something mentally stimulating to keep my mind from saying to the rest of me, “F*ck this…”
I have always been a fan of personal development podcasts and chose, on this occasion to listen to a book by a guy I am a massive fan of. He’s an entrepreneur from the US called James Altucher. I shan’t go into too much detail about him only to say, as a guy who is my age he’s been there and done it. He’s highly intelligent, has made and lost millions which makes him genuine. He’s written dozens of books, most of which are excellent and is a recognised chess master. A rare achievement. With his dulcet New York tones and laid back delivery, his podcasts make for fascinating listening.
Altucher’s book, "Choose Yourself” is extremely enlightening. I have enjoyed listening to it for a few runs now. I finished it right on cue as I was crossing the 15km mark, without it I’d still be walking back through Walton on Thames.
The best run I had was last week when Storm Ciara made an unwelcome appearance to the shores of the UK. She was lashing it down and offering up winds that even topple plastic garden furniture; you know the kind. It was Saturday afternoon and I’d been asked to go to the pub and watch the rugby with the folks. It was tempting but I had pencilled in a run for this afternoon and knew I had to do it. Part of the training was knowing when to commit yourself to something and follow it through. This was one of those times.
Running in the wind and rain I am ok with. Running into the wind and rain I am not. A check on my weather app told me I could drive out to Hampton Court and then run west into the wind on the first 5km returning with the wind assisting me eastwards to finish off.
Regardless of this research the rain was sideways. I had strong winds - a hurricane it transpires - battering my left side running up river and on the right on the way back. With a podcast from Altucher keeping my mind busy, I was actually having a ball. I love extreme weather. Love it. In the right gear I’ll go walking up the mountains with the mutt in any weather the French Alps offer. Today was proper extreme.
The podcast was an in-depth interview with Gary Kasparov who, I didn’t know is more than a 20year world chess champion. His knowledge of Russian politics is second to none and his hour long accusations of the dodgy dealings between Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump kept a socialist like me entertained throughout the relentlessly horrific conditions.
I was wearing a soft-shell jacket, baseball cap, gore-tex trail running shoes and mountain bike gloves. The dog was doing his usual tearing about but as always he’s in my view and living the dream. He loves a run. Whenever I lock the van and we start to run he goes nuts. Never will you see an eight year old mini retriever look so happy to be going out in a monsoon for a 10k run.
Before long, my knowledge of Russian politics had surpassed my expectations, 10,000metres had elapsed and I was done. I was soaked through but dead proud to have made the effort to go out in that weather and was rewarded with one of my first ever “fun” runs. Two words I have never thought should appear next to each other.
With less than two weeks to go I knew I had to up the distance and on Tuesday morning embarked on my longest ever run. I headed out of Hampton Court and, having designed a run on Map My Ride knew if I followed the river road on the north side I’d get to Walton Bridge after 10kms and then I’d have a downhill, wind assisted seven kilometres home to wrap up my training. It wasn’t easy but I didn’t stop. Well, only once for a pee. Otherwise I ran for 1hr 37mins and banged out 17kms. I averaged 5min 38s per kilometre too. With that pace I ought to finish the half marathon in less than two hours.
Training going well.
With a few days to go I hit the gym a few times and plodded out a few gentle 5k-ers then decided to take it easy on Saturday before the big run. The weather was ok that morning so I grabbed the mutt and took him around the island on the river. All was going swimmingly until he heard a big bang across the river and he was gone. Gone. Nothing stops him when he’s spooked and all I saw was his fluffy beige tail dancing across the fields towards my mum’s place.
I was wearing heavy wellies and the ground underfoot was not conducive to running. He’s done this a few times in his life and invariably ends up pining at the back door to get away from whatever he thought he heard. I imagine it takes him to a past life when he was in ‘Nam…. Dagenh'am.
I didn’t worry too much and plodded home not wishing to up the tempo too much for fear of injury. When I got home some fifteen minutes later he wasn’t there. Mum and Roj hadn’t seen him either. I told Roj to put his sarnie back in the fridge and we headed out to have a look for the little fella.
Nowhere to be seen. I know his homing skills are pretty good and when he’s scared he’s just gonna come home. But with him not being home I was getting worried. Your mind starts racing at these times and thinking of all the awful things that could be happening to him right now. Stupid things like; he’s been mauled by a Rottweiler; fallen in the river; been abducted by someone wishing to have a very cute pup locked in the front room with them at all times.
I’ve said from the day I got him that I’d genuinely rather watch him get run over by a bus than not know where he is. We’ve a tight bond as man and dog tend to but anyone who knows us will tell you ours is particularly deep. I call him ‘My Boy’ which will give you an idea. I’ve a few friends, in fact who are already dreading the day he’s no longer here for fear I’ll go a bit loopy and ‘do a Leaving Las Vegas’…
Having circumnavigated the river several times, Roj said he’d go home and wait there. I grabbed the bike and went out again. I don’t really know what I was looking for. I knew he wouldn’t be raiding bins or chasing squirrels an hour and a half after losing me. He’d be as panicky as me by now.
Half an hour covering 10k on the bike came up with nothing. I came home and seeing there was no fluffy mini retriever to greet me, I burst into tears. Life without him crossed my mind and I was off. Not willing to give up I called Ben, my running mentor and told him tomorrow’s half marathon was off. He understood, as anyone would.
It was only when I was chatting to my girlfriend that I remembered I was a member of a Facebook community hub group thing around Weybridge and figured I could post something on there.
I put a heart felt message saying,
Where are we running next?
‘Hi guys,
I’ve lost my dog.
Lost him at midday today on Desborough Island.
He heard a bang and ran home to Montrose Walk but never made it.
I’m sure someone would have taken him as he didn’t have his collar on.
Hopefully just to care not abduct 😔
Please help - he’s everything to me.’
Hopefully just to care not abduct 😔
Please help - he’s everything to me.’
As I finished writing this tear jerking message I clicked ‘post’ and then I saw some photos of my dog! He was staring/posing into the camera with a message underneath saying, ‘Dog found on Thames Street without a tag or collar on. Does anyone recognise him?’
I immediately replied saying, ‘He’s mine! Please call me on 0796… ‘
A few minutes later I walked in the door and the phone rang from a very softly spoken gentleman saying he believed he may have my dog at his veterinary surgery up the road.
My little heart beat a rhythm of utter elation.
I told Roj and he jumped up and started walking towards the car. We arrived at the vet and Chewy was nigh on licking the window in anticipation of seeing daddy again. We embraced so hard I am pretty sure he weed on me. Relief doesn’t come close to describing the emotion. I have always admitted to loving that bloody dog too much but today just confirmed it.
Must buy a collar and a tag.
I called Ben and told him the good news. He was not only pleased that I’d found my precious pooch but equally that I was still going to do the run tomorrow.
After a tearful farewell to the dog again, Roj dropped me at the station and I boarded the train almost immediately. Whilst I was sat there en route to Clapham Junction I looked up ‘Six things you should do before a half marathon.’
Amongst the six things were;
Don't stress.
Take it easy.
Plan ahead.
Hydrate - a lot
Remember your race pack.
Stay off your feet.
I was on a train from Weybridge to Brighton via London having lost my dog for two hours, run, walked and cycled a lot, was late for the train, I’d hardly drunk a drop of water all day, forgotten my race pack and was having to stand all the way because they’d cancelled the previous train.
Training not going well.
I arrived at Ben’s and was treated to a fine feast, herbal tea and then an early night.
Slept like a baby.
Woke up fresh as a daisy.
After a monumental faff we arrived on the start line with a new race number pinned on, trainers done up, new cap on, ready to go. The only damper was the relentless drizzle and sea mist streaming in off the English Channel. That wasn’t going to stop 5000 runners keen to get it done though.
There’s always a wait with these things and we all hopped up and down and did our final stretches before being let free from our time designated pens. I’d chosen a yellow pen in the hope I’d run 13.1miles in under two hours. Seemed doable.
As I crossed the start/finish line I hit Start on my app and off we went.
I was told it might be a fast pace… and it was. As we climbed up from Madeira Drive the wind hit our backs and helped us up towards Rottingdean. It wasn’t long before the phone strapped to my arm announced in its rather irritating nasal but comfortingly American monotone, “Distance; one kilometre. Pace; 5 minutes 19 seconds per kilometre.”
This was way faster than I’d planned and yet almost everyone was overtaking me. I wasn’t sure whether to alter my pace or trust my app. It had been good to me throughout the training but it was terribly demoralising seeing most of the field coming pass you at a leisurely pace. Especially those who would seem to be more comfortable eating ice cream and watching Netflix. What a bitch.
I made a conscious decision to trust my app and I am very glad I did. With the calf issues I’d been having all year hampering my confidence, I just wanted to get the race finished and the time would be secondary.
By the time we reached the hairpin just past the Marina, I’d heard two more announcements from my bellowing bicep both telling me the pace was 5.20mins/km. Too fast. Ben has told me that once you’ve done 3-5kms your muscles know what they’re doing and oughtn’t fail you now. I’d done that at a pace I wasn’t familiar with but was somehow still feeling ok.
As soon as we headed back into the harsh February wind, my brand new cap flew off my head and disappeared over the white cliffs and into the sea. Triffic. At this point every runner in the field knew we had a long hard slog out to the lagoon some 10kms away into the wind and steady rain. The wind was so strong, there were times when you were running and not actually moving. What with my fetish for extreme weather I was particularly enjoying it. This was extreme. So extreme for your first ever organised distance run that all I could do was laugh.
We reached Harry Ramsden’s by the Brighton Pier and swung up the Steyne. The crowds were huge. Far bigger than I’d imagined on a dreadful day in February but they were cheering us all on with the kind of enthusiasm I love about Brighton folk. The swirling wind took us up to the Level and then back into the fan towards the pier again. I was fading a little at this point and needed water. I ditched my rather knackered old running top and right on cue a table of volunteers passing out cups of water and jelly babies arrived and within seconds I was brand new again.
We swung back in the headwind of the seafront and then it was head down all the way to the lagoon. The only respite was the parade of shops in Hove sheltering us from the best the winter weather could throw at us. From the end of the King Alfred Leisure Centre to the lagoon was tough. I could feel my right foot swelling and had to stop to loosen the laces. Typically my double knot had mangled up and it took me a little while to free it up.
Time wasted.
Time wasted.
We turned the corner and then… bliss.
I’d been looking forward to the turn for ten kilometres now and here it was. With the waves crashing into the sea wall and the wind on our backs, we nigh on floated down towards the West Pier. This was my favourite moment of the run so far.
As we skipped along the seafront getting splashed by the raging sea to our right, I had a little recap as to why I was doing this. To take my mind off my sore foot and aching legs, I got thinking about my step dad Roj and how bravely he was coping with his chemotherapy and, around 11.20 on Sunday morning in the rain and wind, I shed a little tear for the old bugger.
As we skipped along the seafront getting splashed by the raging sea to our right, I had a little recap as to why I was doing this. To take my mind off my sore foot and aching legs, I got thinking about my step dad Roj and how bravely he was coping with his chemotherapy and, around 11.20 on Sunday morning in the rain and wind, I shed a little tear for the old bugger.
This wave of emotion carried me all the way past one pier and then the next until I could see the finish line down Madeira Drive. I picked up the pace a touch and crossed the line in 1hr 59mins 25secs.
Thanks to some amazingly generous friends, I’d raised over £1000 in less than a week
I wasn’t a fan of running.
Where are we running next?
CK
